Sleep....who needs it?

For anyone who has been following along, I still don't sleep. I have been diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea, waking up about 45 times an hour (if my sleep study was any good). The reason I say that is because they wire you all up, tell you to sleep on your back (which I usually don't) and then test you. It's hardly comparable to whatever sleep you get in your own bed, unencumbered.

The short history is that I have a sleep doctor - an hour away at least and pretty much unavailable; a local doctor who really cares but knows not much about sleep medicine; a CPAP machine provider who says 'call me anytime' but has no answers when I do; and an ENT who won't talk about any of my problems, just wants to do surgery. The CPAP is basically unusable to me (I wake up after 2 to 3 hours FULL of air, like after surgery - totally painful and no sleep the rest of the night), and the mouth guards aren't reimbursable by insurance. So I'm down to surgery or nothing. The surgery is painful, expensive, you're unable to talk for at least 3 weeks (read, unable to WORK), and only about 50% of the people say it made them feel better. Not really enticing.

Two issues stem from this -- I have a very hard time losing weight (my body is literally "starving" for energy, so I'm hungry all the time, even after I've just eaten), and depression sets in without sleep. I've managed to lose quite a bit of weight this past year, by hook and by crook, knowing that I can't listen to hunger cues like most normal people can. But what to do about the depression?

My business partner has been telling me to take an anti-depressant for some time now. First, I resist because I feel like that is only putting a bandaid on the real problem, fixing the problem that isn't primary. But mostly, I resist because most anti-depressants make you gain weight!! And I've worked so hard to lose it! Except Wellbutrin, which makes you lose weight....and has a host of other issues....

Still, I may ask my doctor.....thoughts, my friends?

Gearing up for my annual longing...

So every year we go to Minneapolis for Thanksgiving (and sometimes in the summer, too). Normally, I'm a fairly content person -- I like my life in Livermore. I love our house, love the kids school (even though it costs us an arm and a leg), and now I have a thriving counseling business and a yoga studio of my own. I don't spend a lot of time wishing I was somewhere else.

But something happens to me when I land in Minneapolis. I am surrounded by my husband's family, and love it. I look around at the (cheap) lovely homes in the city. We do yoga at fabulous studios and cosmopolitan activities that only come with thriving metropolis'. And I fall in love all over again. Somehow, I'm never prepared for the longing to move there that hits me. I know it's coming, but I don't know how to steel myself against it.

I fly to Minneapolis. My plane lands. And it all just feels so right. Logic tells me it's not. But logic and my emotions when I'm in Minneapolis don't seem to live together very well.

So I just prepare myself as best I can. I'm going to fly into Minneapolis on Wednesday. I'm going to love it. I'm going to look at houses, dream of living there, pick up house flyers, log onto Edina Realty and show my husband all kinds of houses, etc. And just like falling out of love, I'll have to get over it on Sunday night. Another annual love affair under my belt.

I've been inspired!

Hi my severely neglected readers! (If indeed you even exist anymore),

I've been inspired by my Aunt's new blog, to resurrect my old blog. I thought maybe if I spruced it up a bit, I would be more likely to come talk a bit here. We'll see if it works. I'm a little tired of living my life in 140-word snippets via Facebook.

Things have been crazy around here. The yoga studio is so much more work than I ever dreamed it would be. Recently I visited a therapist to talk about how my sense of being overwhelmed has developed into an underlying depression. He asked me what my goal was in opening the studio - what had I been trying to achieve? I thought about when Be Well closed, how sad I was and how I just HAD to find what I had there again. Which was, regular yoga, a sense of community. We did that, created it for Livermore by opening our place -- but alas, I didn't really create it for myself. This past week I only got in one yoga class total. And I'm not really part of the community - I'm the owner, and there's a difference. Anyway, I won't be going back to said therapist -- his advice was only along the lines of how I can remove myself from this endeavor. I may be exhausted and overwhelmed, but I'm not quite ready to give up yet.

The positive news is that I just got a new car! My husband flew down to LA last Thursday night and drove me home a brand new 2010 VW Jetta Sportwagen diesel. So far I'm getting an average of about 37 mpg -- and he'll fill it up at the biodiesel station, so whatever issues we have with foreign oil won't be because of me!! I wanted to get a personalized plate that said "CU OPEC" but it's already taken, of course!

And we are soon off to our annual trek to Minneapolis for Thanksgiving! I have a yoga class booked at Sigh Yoga on Thanksgiving morning - a yoga studio where I can really be part of the community!! I can't wait to sink into being a customer again!! Also, I love my family there, bundling up in warm clothes before going outside, and the cosmopolitan metropolis that is the Twin Cities. People say I'm crazy when I say it's just about my favorite place (especially being from California!) - but it's just hard to explain.

But before I go, I'm off to our "Melt" workshop - a 3 hour yoga extravaganza with Kelli. Truth be told, I'm a little scared! And if you knew Kelli, you'd be scared for me!

Happy Thanksgiving!

The intersection of Yoga and Life

I have a Facebook Fan page for the yoga studio I own, Cosmic Dog Yoga. I use the status update feature to give my yogis an inspiring quote each day. Recently, I ran out of material and thought I would do an inspirational little series on the yamas and niyamas, or yoga philosophy. I have a handy little book that assists me in this.

This morning, I woke up and was blearily walking the dog to the front door to get me the paper when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I turned to find that my son had left an open marker on the couch all night, and it had bled out all over the denim. Basically, the couch is ruined -- it's about a 5 inch round brown stain on my nice sectional couch. To say I was not pleased would be the understatement of the year. I go into all sorts of black cloud-y thoughts like "are everyone's kids this disrespectful of their stuff?" and so forth...

Then I sat down to write my quote on the Cosmic Dog page. Lo and behold, guess what day we are on? Aparigraha, the yama of non-greediness, not hoarding, not holding on to possessions. The spirit of renunciation. The affirmation? "May I learn to let go of possessions; give up wanting, cravings and obsessions."

Ya gotta laugh, huh? Ok, Universe, thanks. I'm listening.

I just really like this.



Farm Food

I joined a new CSA (community supported agriculture) farm. Several years ago, I was a member of Full Belly Farm, but I had to pick up the boxes in Fremont. I loved it, but finally driving to Fremont every single Saturday just got me down. We have a great Farmer's Market in Livermore and I figured I'd just be religious about going there and getting my local veggies.

I go to the Farmer's Market. But I'm not very creative - I get the same things every single week. Red hearted strawberries. Brentwood corn. Blah, blah, blah. I tend to get too much of one thing, and I never branch out.

So a few weeks ago, when I saw a booth there for a CSA in Pleasanton, I was excited!! And I joined the Terra Bella CSA! I picked up my first box last week, which contained: tomatoes, onions, peppers, cucumbers, nectarines, lettuce, snow peas, zucchini - and some artisan bread made from these veggies.

This week we have had fajitas, homemade spaghetti sauce, tomato and cucumber sandwiches, fresh onions on our chicken burgers, zucchini and shrimp, salad -- and I'm still waiting for some enlightenment about what to do with the snow peas!

Here's what I love about farm food. 1. It keeps me organized and forces me to make menus for the week in order to use it all. 2. It keeps me from going out to eat as much, because I know we have to eat at home in order to use it all and 3. I know I'm eating healthier, lower-calorie food that is better for the planet because it's grown locally.

The only downside to this particular CSA is that they want you to pay for the entire season up front - and they operate from April to November. So start saving now, so you can pay your $600 or so dollars in April and then eat healthy, yummy food all summer next year.

Journaling

So the other day my oldest asked me "Is this a day that you want to journal, mom?"

I said "um, no, honey". I was busy doing something and briefly wondered where in the world that question came from.

Hours later, I remembered a conversation we'd had. Awhile back he became interested in journaling and was asking me if I kept a journal. I said that I did and showed it to him. He asked me if I wrote in it every day and I confessed that journaling was something I usually did when I was in a really bad, foul mood -- and that I normally didn't feel like journaling if I was happy.

Oh. I get it. An 8 year old versed in nuance.