Topic #1: How to Start Smart

This is actually an idea I have for a book. After seeing lots and lots of couples, I've come to wish that someone or something could have intervened sooner, like when they were dating, to examine some of the issues we are examining now. I've taken a compilation of the problems I've seen couples have, and come up with a plan for a book aimed at couples who have not committed, or single people. The purpose is not to diminish the enjoyment of being in love, but to create some kind of rational process with which to decide if the person you love is actually right for you or not.

Lots of research has been done lately on what happens to your body chemically when you fall in love. Basically, it's a lot like being intoxicated. Smart educated people make some kind of a plan when they are going to get intoxicated, like who will drive home, or who should have possession of their car keys. My argument for this topic is that because falling in love is like being intoxicated, it behooves people to make some intelligent agreements with themselves before they go under the influence of this mind-altering drug. I suggest Four Agreements with yourself personally before you even meet someone, and Four Agreements you should make with any potential partner. Here's a couple of examples:

Personal Agreements:

• "I will not speed". Speed is not your friend in a relationship. Many May through September romances, married in October, find that their loved one hides under the bedcovers for the entire holiday season with depression and that is not what they signed up for! Life cycles and time give you important information about someone that you may want to store away. The information will not necessarily cause you to change your mind, but putting up with something you knew about is a lot easier than putting up with something you knew nothing about. I wouldn't suggest a particular time period, except to say that whatever seems reasonable to you when you are not intoxicated with the "love" drug should be stuck to when you become intoxicated.
• John Gottman, the premier couples researcher in the world (in my opinion) says that 69% of any couple's problems are simply unsolvable, perpetual issues that will never completely go away. You can divorce your spouse and marry someone new, but you will again have 69% of your problems (albeit different ones) that you cannot solve. With this in mind, a person should choose your perpetual problems wisely. If your partner is always late, understand that it may be tinkered with and worked with a little over time, but your partner will likely never become obsessed with being on time. If this is a deal breaker to you right now, it should be a deal breaker to you after you meet Lucy Late. Some perpetual issues (like being late, eating noisily, etc) are easier to tolerate than others (fidelity issues, gambling problems, rotten parenting, etc.). In other words, know the perpetual problems you don't want to have.
  

So those are just a couple of the personal agreements you can make prior to meeting someone. After you meet someone and you are thinking - with your intoxicated mind - that this might be a good match, I recommend another stop-gap measure. Make some agreements together now that will make life and this relationship easier down the line. Here's a couple:

• "When one of us has a problem, we have a problem". I can't tell you how many times I see couples coming into counseling for the first time on the brink of divorce and one person will say "I've wanted to go to counseling many times but he/she wouldn't go". You might be happy. You might be blissfully happy. But if your partner says they are not happy, you - as a couple - are not happy. Happy couples are comprised of two people who are both happy. Both people must describe their marriage as a happy marriage in order for the marriage to actually be a happy marriage. Sometimes it feels good to bury your head in the sand, but it's not a long term solution to marital happiness. If you make this agreement, there is no discussion. When one person says "we need counseling", "we need a date night", "we need a weekend away", "we need more romance", etc, it's a built-in done deal. Period.
• Advocate for the needs of your relationship. When you first fall in love, no problem. You want to be together, you want to talk...it comes naturally. But then you get caught up in career, in ambition. And maybe you have children, who are very good at advocating for their needs above all others. Couples, in my experience, are all too willing to advocate for their career, for their children, to give selflessly to the community and their church and on and on and on. But when you ask them when the last time they had a weekend away was, they're totally stumped. A relationship needs tending. Sometimes to the detriment of other things. You need to be willing to be selfish for your relationship's sake, so that you can maintain an intimate connection.

There are four agreements in both categories, but after all, this is going to be my bestseller, so I don't want to give it all away!! I'd love to hear some comments, though, on what you think of what I'm saying. I know this would make sense to people who are in counseling now, but what about my readers here, who may have happy marriages or happy singlehoodness? Does it make sense? And most of all, is it do-able? Would people actually make the agreements and stick to them? What's your opinion? Do tell....